No Need to Know How

I am sitting here rather proud of myself. First off, I enrolled in two online writing courses. That in itself was a huge step for me. HUGE. Enrolling in those classes signifies a commitment. I am now required ( if by nothing else than the mere fact that I am unemployed and had to PAY for these classes) to attend the classes, do the work. I am good at reaching goals set for me by others (bosses, sons’ needs, parents’ requirements). But setting goals for myself AND reaching them? Not good. I easily recognize this as another way in which I do not honor myself as being the most important person in my life! For many years I have put everyone else first. And for many years that mode of operation has served me well. Fairly well. Maybe not so well? OK, that plan sucked. However it was the rule I followed for many years.

Now it is time for me. I must somehow be made to realize that I actually do matter! I must learn to put myself first. Trying to set goals for myself is quite a challenge. In order to set a goal, you need to have at least some inkling of what you want to achieve…what you want to change. Not surprisingly, there is just a gray fog when I peer into the crystal ball, attempting to determine my path. And we’re back to that bravery thing again, aren’t we? Stepping out and doing SOMETHING, vs sitting back and doing nothing.

Enrolling in the classes is giving me that first step towards something that is only for me, only about me. ALL about me. And why am I so proud of myself tonight? I completed my first assignment! It seemed to be quite a simple assignment. Introduce yourself (ok, I can write a few words here), title your work (a TITLE? What? I have to commit to an actual title??), write a brief summary of your story…and post it for all to read. For ALL to read? AND comment on? What if they don’t like it? What if they all laugh hysterically with the instructor at the corner Starbucks as they rehash my pitiful first attempt? What if, what if, what if. I can become quite consumed with the what ifs of life. Focusing on the what ifs only serves to keep me right where I am. Sitting. Doing nothing. Obsessing. Realizing I am much harder on myself than most anyone else would ever be! Therefore, I took that big step. I introduced. I titled. I summarized. I posted!

I ROCK.

Today, I did my duty to God and my country, served to the best of my ability….who am I kidding? I just showed up for jury duty. Yes, I received the call, and being the wonderful patriotic citizen I am, I was there to serve this morning, 8:30am. Oh for pete’s sake. If there wasn’t that little part about being arrested or cited for contempt of court if I didn’t appear, I probably wouldn’t appear at all. And there is the $6 I will be paid for appearing the first day. Had I been lucky enough to get to stay for more than one day, I would have received $40/day!! Oh, the excitement. I would probably be a bit more excited (if you can imagine that) to go for jury duty were I still gainfully employed. But since I’m not working anyway, having something I have to do really cuts into my free time.

Not that each day is one of free time. No, quite the contrary. Having been relegated back to my domestic goddess persona, I spend the days attempting to create some sort of domestic bliss in the midst of chaos. There are many wonderful facets to having a large wonderful home. A large, sunny, lovely laundry room is a definite plus. And owning many, many large laundry baskets is certainly a blessing. And having aaaallllll of those many large laundry baskets teeming with freshly laundered clothes and linens would certainly signify great wealth to many. Today it simply signifies more to be done.

I believe it was George Carlin who years ago had a great bit on “stuff”. How we acquire stuff. How we buy bigger homes to house our stuff. That’s still a booming business today. We all have too much stuff! I am guilty, I admit it! I am working to pare down, though. Going through each room, bit by bit, and getting rid of all the extra STUFF. How in the world does it accumulate so quickly? I would like to blame my parents. I truly would, but of course, I can’t. My parents were born of the Depression era, saving, reusing, repairing, making do. And I truly never felt like we did without or lacked for a single thing in our lives. My clothes were 99% hand me downs from friends or extended family…or they were homemade by my mom or by me, as I grew older. And I looked terrific! I had “wheels”…the family car handed down to me when Dad bought a newer model for Mom. I had it all and never thought otherwise.

One bad habit that I guarantee came from that upbringing is my tendency to hang on to things. You just NEVER KNOW when you will need that tool/nail/frame/dowel/tablet/pen….you get the idea. Therefore, it is my birthright to save it all. Mercy, how I save things. And occasionally, like this summer, I realize how silly it is to hang on to the old. After all, I firmly believe you can’t invite anything new into your life if there is no room. So I clear, I clean, I dispose of, I donate, I trash! It is an awesome feeling to manage to get rid of things. The freedom from STUFF. From things. From ties.

I want to be free. Free-er anyway. Not tied down by things, no matter how lovely, how luxurious. Things are things. I need room to grow. Thus….I throw.

I had an awesome lunch with an old friend today.  We have known each other since our children were babies. We are at the same stage of life, both becoming empty nesters this fall.  We have known each other as moms, as co-workers, as volunteers on the same committees.  But have we really known each other as women? As individuals? As we really truly are? I don’t think so.  Yet today I believe we made that connection and are making steps into that next phase of our lives.

I don’t know about you, but growing up as a strong Baptist in the Bible Belt, it’s pretty much drilled in to you what you can/can’t believe, should/shouldn’t believe.  Do not misunderstand.  Many of these beliefs I still hold to very strongly. But I think there is room for so much more.  There is SO much out there that we don’t understand, don’t know, haven’t even begun to tap into. And that is where I want to be, where I AM going.  So what are the things I am interested in? Energy, crystals, feng shui, alternative medicine, alternative anything! Write it down, make it happen.  Set the intent without  knowing how you will achieve it.  Create. Breathe. BE.

For many years now I have lived on the left brain side of my world.  Follow the rules. Do it logically. Use common sense.  Strict order. And for many years, that side has served me so well.  Raising children requires structure, requires rules. Yes, you can still have fun even with the rules! I have done that. I have raised two amazing young men that have a good background to set them off on their own path.  I don’t think I have raised them on as rigid a platform as I was raised on.  (At least I HOPE that is not the case!)

And now the other half of me is screaming to be heard, pounding on the door to be let out, to be allowed to come out and play.  It’s hard to respond to the part of me that wants to take chances, be a little wilder, a little freer.  I have lived one way for so many years that it no longer requires thought…it just IS.  Making the changes, making the choices…it’s a bit frightening. No, make that VERY frightening. I do believe I am up to the task.  I’m learning that just because I make a choice does not mean that choice is the end all forever and ever, amen.  No, a choice is just that. A choice. Yes, it will have consequences, either good or bad. Perhaps an occasional choice will have no consequence at all.  How much fun would that be? Exactly…it wouldn’t be.  I can make a choice, a decision…and guess what? If that decision doesn’t work, I can change the path again! I can actually give myself permission to do so!

There you have a glimpse into the turmoil of the mind of the transitional woman.  And what happens when two women are able to open up in a new way? Connection! My friend and I discovered we have so much more in common on all these new levels. It took some bravery on both our parts to even begin these conversations.  We took that chance, made that choice…and hooray! A deeper bond is made, another facet to our long term friendship added.

And once again…it’s aaaaallllll gooood.

Transitions are hard. Maybe they don’t have to be, but so far I haven’t figured out how to take the easy route.

Going from a big bucks corporate job with numerous departments and many employees directly reporting to me to a stay at home with a baby that just did NOT understand the rules was a big transition.  Yes, it was hard. Yes, it freaked me out.  And now it seems like the blink of an eye.One day high heels, power suits, people jumping when I said jump.  The next day I’m not getting dressed, not showering, not even able to track what day it is.  One baby boy went to two baby boys.  I was the alpha mom.  I ruled. I controlled.  I knew everything about everything.  Need me to volunteer? I’m there.  Head up a committee? I’m your girl.  Oh, you need me to be president of this, of that? AND that? Of course I can handle it. This is what I do! And I am really really good at it.

For twenty years (twenty years, people!!) I have been really really good at my job.  My job was to be the best mom ever.  And I have succeeded.  I have raised two of the most amazing young men you would ever want to meet.  I’m not just bragging.  I think you would think so if you met them as well.  Son #1 will be a sophomore at Baylor this fall.  He is planning to be an anesthesiologist. He is incredibly smart (doesn’t apply himself so well though….sigh) and has the most amazing heart.  He is one of the kindest, most empathetic individuals I have ever seen.  I think the world holds great promise for him.  Son #2 is Mr. Driven, Mr. Ambition, Mr. Take-The-World-By-The-Horns. He will be a freshman at Baylor this fall, majoring in entrepeneurship. He has already figured out he wants to be his own boss.   He’s not quite as easily book smart as #1, but he is incredibly driven.  He has goals that he has set for himself for this month, next year, even five years and more from now.  Do I have any doubt he will achieve whatever he sets out to achieve? Not a one.

So, yes. I pat myself on the back. I have raised two loving, charming, smart, precious young men. Whatever it is that they have to give the world will be amazing to see as it develops.

And now, because of the job description, which says “Raise your children giving them both roots and also wings to fly “, I have worked myself right out of a job.  I will still be the mom, I know that.  It just won’t be the 24-hour-a-day-hands -on mom at which I have been so adept.  Actually, I can tell I am already the lame duck mom (when WILL she stop with these corporate metaphors??).  The boys ask, but know they don’t need permission.  They ask because they respect me and care about me.  And should I say no, I know they will abide by that.  But we both know they are not bound by Mom’s Law anymore.  They are young men. They have to start making their own decisions and living with the consequences that such decisions bring.  Mom can’t always make it better anymore. (Although I would be quite happy to try!!)

And where does that leave me? Suppose you had a job you at which you were the best ever.  You ruled. You knew the ins and outs. You were in demand. People sought your advice on every aspect.  There has never been anyone as good at this job as you. For twenty years you have absolutely dominated at this job!

And now? Thanks so much. Buh-bye. Not even a gold watch.  A kiss on the cheek as those who you have mentored for years walk away.

So what do you do now? Excellent question.  First, I think, you give yourself time to mourn. You mourn what was, what will never be again. You celebrate. You celebrate what a great job you have done.  And then begins the transition. The search for a new job, a new title, a new purpose in life is next on the list.  Suddenly it is up to you to write the new job description, to determine what skills you want to continue to access.  What do you want the next stage of life to look like? The world is open to you, dear girl.  It’s a scary time, trying to imagine a brand new life with no rules, no guidelines. But the world has been waiting for you for several years now.  Step up and accept the next title, whatever that title may be.  The world awaits you.

The world awaits me. Transitions. It’s all good.

Oprah, we need to talk. I know. One of those talks. And let me say from the beginning, it’s not you, it’s me. Well, it is you making it be me be this way…Ummmm, getting on with it…..Oprah, girl, what are you doing to me?? Yes, you definitely have “The Secret” down to a science. You know how to “write it down, make it happen”. You are tuned into your life goals and the world is your oyster. I get it. I really do. You are living the abundant life extraordinaire. The show? Marvelous. The books, the website…bravo! The magazines? Genius. Even a radio show (or a thousand). Standing O for Oprah!

When you were “just” the Oprah we invited into our homes via the big screen in our own living rooms, we had a bond. You knew what I needed to know, what I needed to hear. The topics were dead on…we had a relationship! You knew me! You knew the worries I faced, the decisions I had to make on a daily basis. We laughed at the same things. I found myself quoting you on a regular basis.

The first hint that you were moving out of my neighborhood was when you began doing shows on your “Favorite Things”. And how excited we all were!! Tell it, girl! The way to extravagance and joy in abundant luxuries! A magic skin cream, Hope in a Jar, could be mine for a mere $35. My life would change in a moment– if only I would buy this miraculous cream. This jar held more than a skin cream. It held the promise of a miracle in the making, the first step towards being just like you! You and I would be using the VERY SAME skin treatment every night after we wiped away the Cover Girl makeup of the day.

The world was in my grasp and you were showing me the way. I was right there with you, along for the ride no matter how long the journey.

Oh, there were other hints you were way ahead of me on that road to abundance, I admit. That time you had your own personal chef, Rosie? Yep, that was a definite sign you moved in a different world than my suburban mom world. No amount of any skin cream was going to get me a personal chef. Yet I hung on. I hung on to every word, every pound lost and gained, every new hairstyle, every new pearl of wisdom you offered. I bought the books, the magazines, the Book Club offerings. Any or all of these were going to change my life, I was sure! You and me, O. To the top. Together.

However. You have drifted far out of the realm of my reality. Not just my reality…I think I hear some hearty “amen, sister!” comments being hollered from the gallery.

You have taken a path that is leading far away from the life of abundance…and heading straight into crass commercialism. First there were O t-shirts. OK. I can go with that. Everyone wants a souvenir from the show. Then came the O warm ups. Still cute, I grant you that. Not that I was gonna squeeze my womanly hips into anything that fit quite that closely. (Need I mention these first appeared when you were lookin’ fiiiiine?) But now you have an entire STORE opening with your name brand goodies? Mercy, girl. I know. I shouldn’t begrudge you a thing. Goodness knows you do work hard for what you have! But at what point does the wealth stop being a product of your creative talents and simply the product of crass commercialism?

Now before you get all bent out of shape at me, dear O, please understand I am the consumer queen. I have believed every advertisement ever written. That cream WILL remove all my wrinkles (cellulite, scars, dark circles and approximately 40 lbs.) overnight. Can I get an “I believe!” ? That new blusher/lip gloss/mascara? Unbelievable that I have lived this long without that particular brand, as this is THE ONE that will change my life forever. The Lexus will make me sexier. The Pantene shampoo will give me the glossiest/strongest/most colorful hair ever seen on a woman in this century. Are you getting the idea? I believe! If someone sells it, I am just the woman to be out there buying it.

Which brings me back to you again, Oprah. What is up with “O” magazine? Sarah Jessica Parker recently introduced her new clothing line with not a single item sold for over $20. I must say, I was intrigued. The clothes pictured were cute and young and hip…things I have left behind in a previous life. Nevertheless, I could see possibilities in the jeans, the tailored tops. I flipped to the Shopping Guide for directions to the nearest boutique which would supply this new line guaranteed to make me look cute, young and hip for under $20/piece. The first item to catch my eye in the list was not the trendy jeans or striped tank Sarah J wore. No, it was the listing for the bangle bracelets she sported in the photo shoot. I believe she had three bangles on–each of which sold for a mere $1600! As I read on, I discovered the shoes worn by the models ran in the $400 to $500 range. I do believe many inexpensive outfits could be dressed up a bit with several thousands in jewelry on my wrist, not to mention high dollar shoes on my feet!

What are you saying to us, dear Oprah? I know what we want to say to you. Take a step back and look at who we are—-the women who make up your audience. It is fun to take a peek into your life on occasion and see the extravagances you easily afford. And we are on our own journeys to abundance. I guess what I’m asking, O, is that you remember all the stops you made along your own path to your current life of luxury. Remember that sometimes it is not just about the stuff.